Our Shared Future Life Vision

Our path towards our future life together began with words of wisdom from my aunt, Nora. She recommended that Drew and I take a course, Future Life Vision for Couples, led by her counselor, Dr. Debra Jenson.

At first, I thought Nora was a little bit overbearing, and honestly being a little bit silly. After a long conversation with her and Dr. Jenson, I started to understand the wisdom in considering the importance of sharing a life vision with Drew.

Nora was married for over twenty-five years and went through a painful divorce. Nora and her husband had realized after a few years of marriage that their views of the world and what they wanted was significantly different. However, they waited until their kids had grown and were on their own before they split.

In Nora's sessions with Dr. Jenson, she explored ways in which her vision of her life was different from her then-husband's.

Dr. Jenson began our couples session talking about three important factors in any relationship: perception, expectations, and communication. Authentic communication is listening to your significant other's dreams, perceptions, expectations, and desires.

Dr. Jenson explained that when people first fall in love, they have perceptions on how their significant other will fulfill their future life vision. New couples often do not listen to each other, particularly when it comes to perception and expectations, and will create a false perception of each other. Each assumes the other automatically shares their vision of their life together. This misunderstanding could be anything from having children, where they would live or work, time spent with each other's families, or how they spend time at home.

Dr. Jensen said that a couple will tell each other what they want to hear just because they are so in love and do not want to jeopardize the relationship. Each person in the relationship may think that they will convince the other in time to change their future life vision.            

Life vision misperceptions have led to many hard and ugly separations and divorces once the initial honeymoon is over and the couple settles into the routine of life. 

Often, the demise of the relationship can take many years to unravel. Sometimes, if a couple is lucky, it's before the marriage occurs. Sometimes it unravels with the advent of children. The stress of a normal life routine often challenges the couple’s misperception of their life vision.

Dr. Jenson advised some simple communication techniques to help a new couple with their relationship before they tie the knot. The first is having the couple be candid about their expectations of their future life together. Each person needs to truly listen to the other and try to hear what is said.

The second important task that Dr. Jenson advised was that both of us sketch out a chart to compare our expectations, desires, needs, and future life vision. Comparing the information can give each person a wakeup call about what the other one is expecting.

This task can reveal big expectations, like how many children each person would consider in their marriage, but it can bring to light smaller issues that may seem insignificant at the time. Many small issues of disagreement, such as work-out schedules or Sunday ball games with pals, can wear on a relationship over time.

Drew and I found that our larger life desires were the same, but realized that we would have to compromise on our day-to-day routines.

The course showed us that to make the transition from our single lives to a fulfilling life together we would have to continue honestly communicating and listening to each other.

Thank you, Auntie Nora!